Dear Dáithí: Should I let my absent father walk me down the aisle on my wedding day?

He worked abroad for a good few years, he had other children (two daughters, who are a lot younger than me, I don’t know them that well, but they are lovely girls), and from what I understand, he didn’t contribute much financially to my upbringing. 

So, I’m getting married this summer, and my plan had been for my grandfather to walk me down the aisle. He is the one who did my homework with me, brought me to gymnastics and knows my fiancé for years. 

My father visited last weekend and offered me money towards the wedding and mentioned he was looking forward to giving me away. He also said his other daughters would be thrilled to be flower girls. Should I take his money? 

Do I let him play a bigger role in this wedding than I imagined? I don’t want to upset him, he is a good person, but my grandfather is who I imagine being next to me on my special day.

The background of this story and where things stand now are key to my response — and also where you should find solace. It’s important to clear the fog, gain a real picture of what has happened in the past, process it, and move forward without this weighing on you.

I believe I mentioned earlier in this paper that absent fathers make me sad, and after reading your letter several times, I get the sense that your father truly left you and your mother behind in every way. That said, anyone reading your letter will gain great insight into who you are as a person. 

You come across as thoughtful and considerate, someone who genuinely doesn’t want to hurt anyone with your decisions — especially with your wedding approaching.

But this wedding is your day, not your father’s. He wasn’t there for you while you were growing up, and now he wants to play the role of the “big man” just because he’s contributing some money? I don’t think so.

Money is just one aspect of life, but when it comes to family, I’ve learned over the years that children value time more than money. Yes, they may want a chocolate bar and some crisps, but at the core, what they really want is you — a present and involved parent. 

Your grandfather was the one who stepped into that role for you, and he did it well. So well, in fact, that you want him to walk you down the aisle — and he absolutely should. 

He was there for you, and for your mother when she needed someone most. Fair play to him — he is a true hero, and I don’t say that lightly.

He put aside his own interests and past-times to ensure you had a father figure in your life, and now he gets to be part of your special day. He will be delighted — it’s the highest honour you can give him.

Now, your father believes this role belongs to him, but in this case, it doesn’t. You’ll need to make that clear. I also gather your stepsisters may not be part of the wedding party, which is entirely up to you — your plans have likely been set for a long time. 

From your letter, it’s clear that you’re a peacemaker who doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Some feelings may get hurt, but that’s just the reality of the situation.

You need to sit down with your father and explain why your grandfather will be walking you down the aisle. Focus on the positive impact your grandfather has had on your life. If your father doesn’t pick up on the underlying message, you may need to be more direct about the way he treated you and your mother. Hopefully, he has the sense to understand where the conversation is headed from your tone alone.

Since you describe your father as a good person, and only if you want to, you could offer him an “official” role in the wedding — perhaps a special father-daughter dance at the reception. The key thing is that you are in control of these decisions, not him.

Now, about the money — what should you do with it? As part of your conversation, you should tell him that you don’t want it. If you accept it, you may feel like you owe him something — which you don’t. Returning the money sends a clear message, and it might even give him time to reflect on the past few decades. 

I suspect that if he truly wants to support your wedding, he may still choose to give you money — but not with strings attached.

I’d recommend having this conversation sooner rather than later — you don’t want this hanging over you. It’s also very important to tell your mother about your plans. I’m sure she’s been thinking about it and worrying, too.

I wish I could be in the room when you ask your grandfather to walk you down the aisle — that will be a truly special moment, and nothing should take away from that experience.

Now, what if your father doesn’t take the news well? That’s on him, not you. 

He can huff and puff all he wants, but this is your day. Once the conversation is over, draw a line in the sand, move on, and don’t let it be up for debate again.